First, some honesty...

I've been all over the place this summer, and it's been great. I think, of all the summers so far, I've learned the most during this one. Learning to be free, learning to love God, learning who I am, learning what it is I want to do with my life. And think I've learned so much because I've let myself mess up. And I like it.

It's really all my Dad, He's too good to me. Like I said, I mess up. This has been a summer of trying new things, and sorting out what can stay and what can go. A summer of asking questions, some which could be seen as heretical. And I still don't have answers for all of them, but my love for God is still strong, if not stronger, and my desire to get closer to Him.

I've learned about myself. I am a good writer. I just don't do it enough. I think I could do some really good things with the stories I could tell. I have this confidence because I know that it's God who gave me this ability to write and create, and that He wants me to use it. Because I have no idea how to publish something, much less distribute it to the masses, especially with all those other excellent authors out there. But my Dad wants me to use what He gave me right?

Which leads to a short stint about how I've learned that so many people never reach their full potential because they don't know themselves. They don't know how God made them, and what to do with it. They chase other people's dreams because they've been told that those dreams are the only ones that count. But my Dad is so much better to me than the world, and He's been teaching me who He made me to be. And as I find that out, my heart breaks for others who have no clue who they are, and most likely will never find out (especially in this American society, where it's easy to be just like everyone else). As children of the living God, we have access to truth, not only truth of who God is, but of who we are.

I've learned that I have 0 self control. Which is bad, because it is definitely a fruit of the spirit. But naturally I go for what I want.

I've learned that church is not all it's cracked up to be, nor is christianity. I think I'm done with both of them. But the hard thing is figuring out where Jesus is, and how to follow Him and hopefully bring my brothers and sisters along. I love the church, but I hate church.

I've learned that I would rather be surrounded by thousands of non-believing people, with just one or two good siblings by my side, than live in a place where "everyone's christian" and those who really are too often pull out of the world.

C.T. Studd said it best, "Some want to live within the sound of a church bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell."

I've learned I'm tired of not impacting the world, not loving the lost people. I'm tired of "doing ministry" by inviting people to church activities. I'm tired of my own need to control things and see clear results from my ministry. I just want to LOVE. Love my Dad. Love my Lord. Love the people around me.

I've learned that I also REALLY love Monster Hunter Tri. Best. Game. Ever.

And just to brag on my God a little, He taught me all these things even though I was not at all faithful to pray daily or study the word consistently. I'm not trying to justify my laziness and unfaithfulness to Him, just trying to say that He really is good.

This Knight Forgets Fair Ladies

How can You love me?

i’m a whore, s p r e a d i n g my legs to every idol that comes along, seeking the pleasure, the love that only You can give.

i turn my face towards wicked men who will beat me and rape me, yet You promise riches and love that won't fail. Why do i not see that? Why do You love me? An idiot, a wretch who has blinded himself, attempting to forget my scars. Why did You save me? i spat on Your face, i beat You, i stabbed You, i laughed and joined the orgy of the unholy while You watched, bleeding and broken...and loving me.

You unleashed wrath on Your own Son, and You took the full blunt of what i deserved. i was the murderer, the adulterer, i deserved that punishment! But You took it with no complaints.

You defeated Death, a foe greater than any giant, more vile than any dragon, to save this damsel. You came to my den of thieves, my bordeaux of demons and You grabbed me and pulled me out of my sin-stained blankets and You confessed Your love, Your perfect and amazing love! and You told me Your promises, and I knew You would keep them. You gave Your life and Your love reached past even death.

i will give You my life, my hand in marriage! You, my knight, have won this maiden's hand! i still don't understand Your love, why You love me or what You see in me, but THANK YOU! i do not need to understand Your love, because simply knowing it is there is enough. Take this life, my Husband, and lead me to Your kingdom!

The God Who Sees me

[I just got back from an incredible weekend in Florida with the Navigators, the ministry I've been able to work with for the past year. God, as always, was good. He brought a few guys to the retreat, men I had been praying for for some time. We learned much about God's heart, how from the beginning His goal has been to have worshippers from every tribe, tongue, people, and nation. From His promise to Abraham He revealed that all nations would be blessed. Jesus is the fulfillment of that promise, the blessing that all nations can receive. Anyway, I wrote this on a side note, when someone spoke about her summer, and this name of God stuck with me, reminding me of the first time I read that passage myself, how that name stuck out. The passage is Genesis 16.]

You are El Roi, the God who sees me.

The One, high above, who is fascinated with me.

The others don't see me.

They don't care, or know,

but want me for a fool to entertain them.

But You see me.

You know me.

You know every hair on my head

and You will not let even one of them perish.

My hair, which

falls out, which

turns gray even now,

which is victim to whatever shampoo I'm using,

not one will perish.

You see me.

Like Hagar I'm alone in a barren place.

I don't know what to do, where to go.

Honestly, I'm so scared

when I think about it.

I don't have anything to stand on,

even this dirt is shifting beneath me.

What will I eat?

How do I love?

Am I good enough?

Will everyone like me?

What if I screw up?

But You see me.

I'm so scared.

But You see me.

From on high You take notice,

but more,

You come and save me.

You made me Your own.

I don't have to be scared anymore.